February 2025 Retrospective
It's time. Really. A one-two combo that's both a reflection on my current state of affairs, as well as my own invocation for beginnings.
What Why #
Publishing details about yourself and your feelings onto the internet is a ritual ingrained in early-2000's LiveJournal (or DeadJournal) blogs. My deeply-online millennial brain can't resist that kind of return to form, though this time perhaps I'll exercise discretion and hold a more critical eye to my own actions.
Part of my hope in doing this is that it'll hold me at least somewhat accountable to my goals and aspirations. It also forces me to re-think and reconsider myself through the lense of writing, an act that is equal parts uncomfortable and revealing. I'm doing this now for a variety of reasons - one of my larger motivations rests in knowing that sometimes I need to just start. I told myself post-another-blog-relaunch I'd write more. So here I am. Writing.
This covers a lot of ground. Some of these are serious, others less so. As much of this is about future state, despite what the title might suggest.
Sometimes Big Things Happen At Work #
We recently launched a major rebrand replete with new logo, colors, domain, and naming. It's been a long road. Now that we're on the other end, we can breathe. Let's refocus on the simpler stuff and get back at it. And let me remember to separate work from real life the same way I encourage my employees to.
Operations will be a primary focus area. I want to make sure we simplify and streamline the day-to-day so we save our mental and emotional energies on the stuff that matters. It'll be a long road, but I see some major benefits in the short-to-medium term.
New Musical Projects Are Very Good For You, Actually. Probably. #
For the last 15 plus years, I've endeavored to make more music. Originals. But also covers. Different genres. In and out of my comfort zone. There's a handful of things I want to record. I have the setup to do it. I've even gotten started a few times! But more often than not, I fall into the trap of overthinking. Nitpicking parts. EQing prematurely. Organizing DAW windows. Premature production.
All the stuff that isn't actually making music.
There's also the worry that whatever I put out won't be good. To whom, I'm not sure. And that I expect to be perfect out of the gate is unrealistic. Flex the muscle. Work it. Do more of it. Focus on getting it down. Re-record parts later. Just do. Practice what I preach to the kids - it's great being bad at things. That's how we learn.
Doing more of this is in the works. There are a few musical ideas floating around in my head in various stages of forméd-ness that I need to simply start. Just start. Like the writing I'm doing here. Start.
Things What Make The Good Chemicals Happen In The Thinky Brain Meats #
Mental health is a regular star in my internal world of struggles. There are a handful of distinct problems/issues that need addressing. Some are underway already. Others are pending. Of these, getting out of the house is a major theme. Working from home full time is a double-edged sword. Though the convenience is top notch, it also means that the majority of realtime human interaction happens either during video calls with colleagues or with the members of my household. It also means my world happens largely in the confines of the set of walls that comprise my house.
This is non-ideal.
And so, I need to leave the house more. Axe throwing is something that I've found a predilection for. We have a local club. Let's do that more often. Same with just getting out into nature a time or two a week. Go out to a park, sit down, and write. Or don't. Just be in not the house.
Also see above note re: music stuff. That's a biggie.
There's also the intrinsic link between physical health and mental/emotional health. Eat better. Get exercise. Lose weight. Simple actions, but they add up.
Lastly, my prior excursions into the world of Zen, particularly the practice of shikantaza. Making space to do this daily has been borderline transformative for me historically. Let's give it another go.
Collectively, these are deliberate and intentional actions.
Another major consideration for me is to unlock a bit of the anxieties I have around doing these things. That stuff runs deep, but hopefully my time in therapy can help me unlock at least some of it and move through. Of note is that I've allowed my family to become an excuse - "I can't because of the kids" or "but what about the house?" aren't very good reasons when it's about taking care of yourself. They can't be OK if you're not OK.
Death Seriously Sucks #
I published a piece late last year touching on the subject of grief. It was fueled in part by bearing witness to my partner experiencing her first major loss - her mother. Myriad family and friend dynamics came to the forefront, many beautiful, some less so. This event also forced me to re-examine and reflect upon the other deaths I've experienced in new ways.
It's tough. I've lost close friends and acquaintances. Participated in other's grief for their loved ones. I lost both of my parents relatively young, both at wildly different points in my life. As time goes on (something I've tried to prevent but have failed at many times), my relationship to those events has changed. After my partner moved in with the kids, so began a new chapter in that process.
Grief is certainly a process. It's never done. Like life, it's a journey, and finding your path through it (traumas and all) is a crucial step in accepting that it's just kinda gonna be there forever.
Parenthood has been a trip. Through it, not only have I been challenged in notions of correct vs. incorrect, right vs. wrong, awesome vs. terrible, I've also been forced to directly confront my own grief. And through moments of connecting with the kids, I've reconnected with my own parents. In one recent case, I was teaching the youngest how to sew a button back onto a shirt - she'd been doing various crafts using paper and staples, making objects like small purses. I realized that the act of sewing might be appealing. She learned how to thread the needle, tie off the thread, push it through the fabric and button without poking herself, etc. And in that, I remembered my dad showing me the same thing; I remembered my mom spending hours at the sewing machine making halloween costumes. I remembered little happy slivers of my own childhood.
The recent death hit very close to home and forced me into an uncomfortable space emotionally and mentally. I need to keep exploring these things and keep them in check. Speaking of which.
Spring's Tough Every Year, Dummy #
I forget this every year - my parents both had birthdays in the Spring, and they both passed away during Spring. It's why you feel funky.
Reassess, Re-evaluate #
Through all of this, it's important to keep moving forward. Take a pause and ask "is this working?" Checking in with myself and sitting with my feelings are going to be large parts of this process. Do the work. Change what needs to be changed. Build up the momentum and keep moving forward.
Fin, probably #
This is by no means exhaustive. There are plenty of items that I'm choosing not to reveal here. Things I'm keeping close. But for now, here we go. Now a big breath and...
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